Chapter 3

Gradually, Nicholas came to realize that he could be in the driver’s seat where the rest of his life was concerned. Sure, he had no control of most things, at least until he got out of juvie. But, while he was in here, he could make a plan and begin shape his future.

He had time. Lots of time to think about things and create a plan. The first thing had to do was quit being so f•©king dumb and learn stuff. He had to figure out how you learned stuff so he could learn good. The book held the key. The writing held the control.

He read every day. Over and over. Parsing out meaning. Wrote in the notebook every day. The writing was his salvation—his lifeline. He now worried about what would happen to him if he ran out of space to write. Terrified that his precarious control would disappear. He didn’t think he would survive if he slipped back into madness.

They began sending him to the doctor once a month for a wellness check. The second visit provided the next bit of salvation for him.

The prison doctor, Dr. Jennings, was an older guy, with salt-and-pepper hair and reading glasses he kept on a chain. The guard took him to the clinic for a checkup after his weekly shower and issue of fresh clothing.

Doctor Jennings wasn’t kind exactly, but he wasn’t an asshole either. He looked him in the eye when he talked to him. Just like he was a regular person.

While Nicholas sat on the metal table with a blood pressure cuff on his arm, he impulsively asked, “Sir, how do people learn shit? Like, really learn it?”

The doctor looked at him with surprise, thought for a bit and said,

“That’s a big question.” He paused for a moment, then added, “Everyone’s different, but most people learn through repetition, application, and teaching others. When you learn things, no one can take them away from you. Knowledge is the only true possession a man can have.”

He must have looked confused because the Doctor stopped pumping the blood pressure cuff and explained:

“Repetition means doing it over and over and maybe writing things down. Application means using what you learned in real life. And teaching means explaining it to someone else—if you can do that well. That’s when you know you really understand something.”

Hmmm

On the way out, he managed to steal a couple of spiral bound notebooks and a Bic pen out of the clinic’s supply closet. He shoved them into his pants and shuffled out to the waiting guard, his heart pounding. Getting caught would mean more time in solitary, maybe even more time in the black, but he needed those notebooks more than he needed safety.

After he tucked them away under his mattress, he wrote down that he was going to learn stuff and stop being so f•©king dumb.