Chapter 6

Before I had an opportunity to talk the incident over with Sarah, she had seen Cecelia.

“She is perfectly furious with you,” she reported. “She hasn’t heard from Mr. Mills since, and she thinks it is on your account; that you have taken steps for breaking it off.”

“Well, if she admits there was something to break off ... I tell you, Sarah, you are fretting yourself to no purpose, the girl had been there before.”

“I’m afraid so.” Sarah’s taking it so much to heart was a credit to her, but I was more curious than commiserating.

“Tell me, what is in the mind of a girl when she does things like that? What does she get out of it?”

“Excitement, of course; the sense of being in the stir, and the feeling of being protected. She says Mr. Mills has been kind to her. It is odd, but she seems to think it is all right so long as it is going on; it is only when it is broken off she can’t bear it. That is why she is so angry at you.”

“There might be something in that,” I conceded. “When it is broken off she is able to realize how cheap and temporary it has been; while it is going on she can justify it on the ground that it is going on forever. That would justify it, I suppose.” I did not know how I knew this, but lately I had discovered in myself capacities for understanding a great many things of which I had had no experience. What concerned me was not Cecelia’s relation to the incident.

“Whatever am I going to do about going there again, to Pauline’s, I mean?”

“You can’t tell!”

“And I can’t go there and not tell. I’ve got to choose between deceiving Pauline and condoning Henry, and I’ve no disposition to do either.” Sarah thought it over.

“There is only one thing you can do. You’ll simply have to go to New York.”

“For a great many reasons besides. You needn’t tell me that. But how? How?”

“You know what I offered——”

“What I refused. It is out of the question. Don’t speak of it.”

“I suppose after this you couldn’t ask the Millses?”

“Sarah ... I did ask.”

“Well?” All her interest hung upon the interrogation.

“They told me it was good for my spiritual development to suffer these things.” We faced one another in deep, unsmiling irony. “Sarah, what do you suppose it costs a man for supper and a private room at Reeves’s?”

“Don’t!” she begged. “It’s only a step from that to Cecelia.”

“Yes; I remember she said that men never afforded protection to women except for value received.”

“You must go to New York,” Sarah reiterated. “You must!”

The truth was I had never told Sarah exactly how poor I was.

In the end I let her go away without telling; at the worst I thought I might borrow from Jerry, who had given up the notion of going to St. Louis, largely no doubt because I had failed to back him up in it completely, and then just at the end changed his mind and went anyway. I knew nothing about it until Jerry wrote me from Springfield, for I had grown shy of going there where all Mrs. McDermott’s conversation was set like a trap to catch me in something that would convict Jerry of misdemeanour. Jerry asked me to visit her in his absence, but I put it off as long as possible. I had to settle first about going to Pauline’s. I arranged to spend the afternoon there, meaning to come away before dinner and so by leaving Henry to discover my attitude in the circumstance of my having been there without destroying his home, open the way to my meeting him again without embarrassment. To do that I should have left the house before the persuasive smell of the dinner began to creep up the stairs into the warm, softly lighted rooms, but from the beginning of my visit, Pauline, in order that I might not feel her failure to put her affection more cogently, had wound me about as with a cocoon of feminine devices, from which I hadn’t been able to extricate myself earlier. I am not blaming her, I am not sure, indeed, seeing how completely she justified herself to Henry Mills by what she had to offer, that I had any right to expect her to understand how completely her playful and charming affectionateness failed of any possible use to me. But I felt myself so far helpless in the presence of it, that I stayed on until the smell of the roast unloosened all the joints of my resolution. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until I found myself at a point where what Henry might think of me became inconsiderable before the possibility of my being put out of the house before dinner was served.

At the same time I could have wept at the indignity of wanting food so much. I remember to this day the wasteful heaping of the children’s plates, and my struggle with the oblique desire to smuggle portions of my helping home to Griff, who looked even more of a stranger than I to soup and fish and roast, to say nothing of dessert.

It wasn’t until we had got as far as the salad that I had leisure to observe Henry grow rather red about the gills as he fed, and speculate as to how far it was due to his consciousness that I could bring down the pillars of his home with a word, and didn’t intend to.

There was nothing said during dinner about my prospects or the stage in general, but when Henry took me out to the car about nine o’clock, he cleared his throat several times as though to drag the subject up from the pit of his stomach, where it must have lain very uneasily.

“You know,” he began, “I’ve been thinking about that scheme of yours of going to New York. I am inclined to think there is something in it.”

“I haven’t thought about it for a long time,” I told him, which was only true in so far as I thought of it as a possibility.

“It would freshen you up a whole lot,” Henry insisted. “Everybody needs freshening. I have been taking a little stir about myself.” So that was the way he wished me to think of his relation to Cecelia!

“I’ve given it up,” I insisted.

We were standing under the swinging arc light in a bare patch the wind had cleared of the fine, white February grit. Little trails of it blew up under foot and were lost among the wind-shaken shadows. I could see Henry’s purpose bearing down on me like the far spark of the approaching trolley.

“I wouldn’t do that,” he advised. “It looks like pretty good business to me. You’d have to stay there some time to learn the ropes and if a few hundred dollars——”

“I’ve given it up,” I said again. The car came alongside and Henry helped me on to it.

“If you were at any time to reconsider it, I hope you will let me know——” The roar of the trolley cut him off.

I knew I was a fool not to have accepted the sop to my discretion; I don’t know for what the Powers had delivered Henry Mills into my hands, if it wasn’t to get out of his folly what his sober sense refused me. Without doubt there are some forms of integrity that, persisted in, cease to be a virtue and become merely a habit; I could no more have taken Henry Mills’s money than I could have gone to New York without it. I went home shivering to my fireless little room. I put on my nightgown over my underwear and my dressing gown over that, and cried myself to sleep.

It was a day or two later that I recalled that Jerry had asked me to go out and see his wife, and I thought if I must ask Jerry for help, it would be no more than prudent for me to do so, but I wasn’t in the least prepared as I went up the path, from which the snow of the week before had never been cleared, to find the house shut and barred, and no smoke issuing from it. I made my way around to the kitchen door to try to discover some sign which would give me a clue to the length of time it had been deserted, if not the reason for it.

While I was puzzling about among the empty milk bottles and garbage cans, a neighbour woman put her head out of a nearby window and announced the obvious fact that Mrs. McDermott wasn’t in.

“But in her condition——” I protested as though my informant had been in some way responsible for it.

“Well, if her own mother’s isn’t the best place for a woman in her condition! ... Three days ago,” she answered to my second question. Mrs. McDermott’s mother lived in Peoria, and I knew that when Jerry left there had been no such understanding, but as lingering there ankle deep in the dry snow didn’t seem to clear the affair, I undertook to rid myself of a sense of blame by writing all that I knew of it to Jerry within the hour. It was the third day after that he came storming in on me like a man demented. He had been to Peoria immediately on receipt of my letter and his wife had refused to see him. It hardly seemed a time for indirection.

“Jerry, what have you done?” I demanded.

“Nothing—not a thing.” I waited. “There was a fool skit in one of the St. Louis papers,” he admitted. “The fool reporter didn’t know I was married.”

“It was about you and Miss Filette?” He nodded.

“She had bought all the St. Louis papers,” he said, meaning his wife.

“Well, that was natural; she wanted to read the notices; she was always proud of you.”

“She believed them too,” he groaned. “And she’s talked her mother over. They wouldn’t even let me see the children.” He put his head down on my table and sobbed aloud. I thought it might be good for him, but by and by my sensibilities got the better of me.

“Would it do any good if I were to write?”

“You? Oh, they think you’re in it ... a kind of general conspiracy. You know you said that—that one of the things nobody had a right to deny an artist was the source of his inspiration.”

“Jerry! I said what you asked me.” I was properly indignant too, when I had been so right on the whole matter. Besides, as Jerry had written little that winter except some inconsiderable additions to his play, I was rather of the opinion that he measured the validity of his passion by its importunity, rather than its effect on the sum of his production. “Besides, I told you you would never get your wife to understand.”

“If she would only be sensible,” he groaned.

“She isn’t,” I reminded him; “you didn’t marry her to be sensible, but for her imagined capacity to go on repeating the tricks by which Miss Filette keeps you complacent with yourself. The trouble is, marriage and having children take that out of a woman.”

“An artist ought never to marry. I will always say that.”

I began to wonder if that were true, if Cecelia Brune were not after all the wiser. We beat back and forth on the subject for the time that I kept Jerry with me. The evening of the second day came a telegram. Jealousy tearing at the heart of poor little Mrs. McDermott had torn away the young life that nestled there.

Jerry wrote me later that the baby had breathed and died and that his wife was likely to be ill a long time. In view of the extra expense incurred, I didn’t feel that I ought to ask him for the loan I was now so desperately in need of.

It was about this time that Griffin and I began to avoid one another about meal time. I have read how wild animals in sickness turn their backs on one another; one must in unrelievable misery ... we dodged in and out of our hall rooms like rabbits in a warren. And then suddenly we would meet and walk along the streets together, mostly at night when the alternate flare of the lamps and the darkness and the hurrying half-seen forms, numb the sense like the flicker of light on a hypnotist’s screen, and we moved in a strange, incommunicable world out of which no help reached us. We saw women go by with the price of our redemption flashing at their breasts or in their hair. We saw men hurried, overburdened with work, and there was no work for us. In our own land we were exiled from the community of labour and we sighed for it more than the meanest Siberian prisoner for home. And then suddenly communication seemed to be reëstablished. Effie for no reason sent me half of the rent money. “I don’t need it here, and I think maybe I shall get more out of it by investing it in you,” she wrote. She had always such a way of making the thing she did seem the choice of her soul. I bought meat and vegetables and invited Griff to dinner. He took me that night to that sort of dreary entertainment known as musical comedy. He could often get tickets and it was a way of spending the evening that saved fuel. As we tramped back through the chill, trying for an effect of jocularity in his voice, so that he might seem to have made a joke in case I shouldn’t like, Griff said to me.