Masterman and Son
Copyright© 2024 by W. J. Dawson
Chapter 19: The Fear
Another month had passed, and Masterman was back in his office. Outwardly he appeared little changed by his illness. The superb frame had suffered a shock, but there was no sign of vital injury. The eye was as keen as ever, the face as firm in outline, the expression of the lips as masterful.
Nevertheless, there were changes of a more subtle character which were obvious to a critical observer. He had hours of languor when he would sit with folded hands, dreamily gazing out of the window, entirely careless of business. His temper had grown fitful and capricious. There was no longer the old steady dominance; there was swift assertion, gusty, violent energy, soon spent, and followed by periods of sullen inaction. His clerks approached him with trepidation, and often fled from him in dismay. They never knew what to expect. Sometimes they were received with brutal and unjust reproaches for faults they had not committed, or for faults so slight that a generous mind would have disregarded them. At other times they were welcomed with familiarity, treated as equals, and perhaps invited to listen to long boastful talks which had neither purpose nor coherence. And then, for a few days, as though some obstruction in the brain were suddenly dissolved, another man would appear, firm, sagacious, capable of swift decision, a human driving force of incomparable energy—the Masterman whose marvellous efficiency was the legend of the city.
One feature of his conduct in these days was very marked—he avoided Scales. He had to meet him every day, but such intercourse as existed was approached uneasily, hurried through, and dismissed with visible relief. The truth was, that at the back of his mind lay a great fear which he dared not even formulate to himself. There was a question always on his lips which he ached to ask, yet he dared not ask it: “What was it Scales had done to save the credit of the Trust?” It appears incredible that he should not have satisfied his curiosity. A single hour of scrutiny would have put him in possession of the truth. But it was precisely because he already guessed too accurately what that truth was, that he refused to hear it uttered. It is easy enough to walk with boldness in the dark, ghost-haunted room, if you undoubtedly believe there is no ghost. But if you do—if you have heard the rattling chain and stealthy sigh, and have felt your blood stiffen at the moving shadow—then what? The easiest plan is the child’s old game of make-believe. You will invent some fantastic reason why you should look no closer. And that is what Masterman was doing. He played at make-believe, haunted by the single terror that the ghost was real.
He would sometimes skirt the edge of the thought that was consuming him, begin a sentence boldly, and then let it trail off into a kind of hurried whisper, or turn it to another end.
“All going well?” he would begin interrogatively, as Scales entered his private room. “Ah! there are some things I wanted to talk over with you, Scales—important things, you know.”
For a moment his eyes would search the crafty face of the clerk, and then he would add, “But it doesn’t matter, just now. I’m busy to-day—very busy. Another time will do.”
“I’m at your service whenever you like,” Scales would say, with a kind of half-defiant obsequiousness.
“No, no; not now. I’m too busy to-day. Another time.” And then he would rustle the papers on his desk, with a great pretence of business, and drop his gaze, and go on muttering aimlessly, “Another time, Scales, when I’m a little stronger, you know.”
When Scales left the room he would sit quiet for a long time, and gaze out of the window, his eyes always falling at last on the gray roof of the Mansion House.
He never looked in that direction without receiving a new impulse to his ambition. From the silent doors of that great house he saw himself issuing forth triumphant, the conqueror of circumstance, seated in a golden carriage drawn by noble horses, with the applauding crowd thronging at his wheels. He adorned his triumph with new features day by day, wearied his invention to create them, and dwelt upon them with a childish ardour of delight. There were even moments when they ceased to be imaginary; they had the glow and substance of reality, and he could hear the beating of the horses’ hoofs upon the asphalt, the crash of music, and the raucous shouting of the crowd.
Then a cold, gray cloud obscured the vision, a gust of cold air set him shivering, and he was alone once more with his silent fear.
In his own home his conduct was marked by the same contradictions. He would arrive from the city at nightfall, enter the house in a fierce bustle of energy, talking eagerly, laughing loudly; and then, as like as not, in the midst of dinner, would relapse into a heavy silence. The chief subject of his talk on these occasions, was the things he meant to do with his increasing wealth. He had engaged a firm of architects to plan a country house for him, although the site was not yet found nor the estate bought. He would spend hours over the details of this house. It would be such a house as was never built before. It should have a marble swimming-pool, electric ovens, and a vast palm-garden. For its decoration he would import marble fireplaces from Italian palaces, tapestries from France, oak carving from Holland. Of course it would have a picture-gallery—every gentleman had that. He would employ an expert to collect the pictures. And of course there would be a great library, and vast stables, and a private golf-course, and sheets of ornamental water, and extensive gardens.
“Have you done anything more about the new house?” Helen would ask, as she fluttered up to him with a perfunctory kiss.
“Not to-day. It’s been a busy day in the city. But we’ll have a look at the plans presently.”
And then the plans would be unrolled, and the details once more discussed, and new features added.
“I’m tired of this old house,” Helen would cry, with pretty petulance. “I don’t see the good of being rich if you’ve got to live here.”
“And you won’t live here much longer. Wait till the war is over, and then you shall take your place with the greatest ladies of the land.”
And then Helen would blush with pleasure, her light mind inflated with pride, her imagination picturing a bright butterfly flight through all kinds of glittering scenes. Mrs. Masterman, silent as ever, took no part in these conversations. They were to her a source of pain; but to Helen they were the breath of life. In the future she pictured to herself her mother had no part. But she saw herself with singular distinctness moving on a high plane of circumstance and pleasure, and she made it her aim to foster her father’s vanity as a means of gratifying her own.
“Father’s easy enough to manage,” she often told herself. And yet there were many occasions when her boast was rudely falsified. Did she never notice the sudden shadow that fell across her father’s face? Did she never ask why it was he would angrily sweep the plans of his new house aside, crying that, maybe, he would never want them after all, and would stalk off in gloomy silence to his own room, where he sat alone until long after the midnight hour had struck? No; she never guessed the cause of these explosions. But her mother did, and trembled.
And amid all these aberrations, perhaps the most curious was that his mind appeared to have received a new bias toward religion.
There was a certain Sunday evening when Mrs. Masterman surprised him, reading in his office. The house was very still, and he was reading aloud in a grave and solemn voice.
He looked up as she entered, and, instead of frowning on her intrusion, motioned her to silence, and went on reading.
“Listen to this,” he said. “I thought I knew the Bible, but here’s something I’ve never met before. The man that wrote this was a wise fellow.
“’What hath pride profited us? Or what good hath riches with our vaunting brought us? All those things are passed away like a shadow, and as a host that hasted by; and as a ship that passeth over the waves of the water, which, when it is gone by, the trace thereof cannot be found, neither the pathway of the keel in the waves; or, as when a bird hath flown through the air, there is no token of her way to be found, but the light air being beaten with the stroke of her wings, and parted with the violent noise and motion of them, or passed through, and therein afterwards no sign where she went is to be found; or like as, when an arrow is shot at a mark, it parteth the air, which immediately cometh together again, so that a man cannot know where it went through: even so we in like manner, as soon as we were born, began to draw to our end.’
“There’s a lot of truth in that,” he remarked. “As soon as we are born we begin to draw near to our end. That’s mighty true. It kind of makes a man feel small, though, as if nothing mattered. It makes a man feel as though God laughed at him. And it makes me feel, too, as if it would be rather a good thing to be done with it all. If I could be a boy again I wouldn’t say. I believe I should think it worth while being kicked and beaten again, just to feel as I did then. But, by the time a man is going on for sixty, he’s about tired of it all. Doesn’t seem worth while doing anything then, except to get into bed and go to sleep.”
He paused a moment, as if to swallow some choking bitterness, and then went on again in the same low tone:
“There’s few men that ever had a harder time than I did when I was a boy. You never knew my father? No, and a good job too. There’s no question he was a brute. But somehow, when I heard that he was dead, it came to me what it all meant. He’d never had a fair chance, never had his real share in life, never had enough of anything, except, maybe, drink, and of that he’d had too much. Well, that day when I pictured him lying there all white and quiet, I kind of understood what the drinking meant too. He was in a rage against life, wanted to forget the way he’d been treated, and that’s why he drank. I reckon that’s why most men drink, just to forget. And I said to myself, ‘Well, I don’t want to forget. I’ll remember everything the world did to him, and I’ll pay it back, blow for blow, and bruise for bruise. I’ll get my fingers into the world’s throat before I’ve done, and I’ll get what I want.’ And I’ve done it too. And now the queer thing is, it doesn’t somehow seem worth while. Things you’ve wanted all your life don’t seem what you thought ‘em when once you’ve got them. Seems as if you’d paid too dear for them, and been cheated after all. Your good time is when you want ‘em, and can’t get them, and, when you’ve got them, you wonder what made you want ‘em. That’s what I meant when I said it seemed as though God laughed at us. I believe I’d laugh myself if I could see it far enough off. All the fuss and bother, and rampaging up and down, and then a quiet old fellow puts his hand on your shoulder, and says, ‘What hath pride profited us?’ and goes on to tell you all you’ve done don’t amount to a row of pins, and you know it’s true, too. That’s the thing that hurts—it’s true, and you know it, and feel like the worst kind of fool.”
He spoke musingly, in a voice of extraordinary softness and sad deliberation. His wife listened wonderingly. The passage he had read, whose sombre wisdom contradicted every purpose of his own conduct, the impression it produced of the vanity of life, and his own entire gravity, tenderness, and sincerity, as he read the solemn words, wrought in her complete amazement. In all her long knowledge of her husband she had never known him in this mood. A woman whose habitual thoughts moved on a more earthly level would have found the mood ominous; she would have shuddered in every fibre of her affection, and have imagined the slow beating of the wings of death upon the quiet air. But, for her, all that was ominous in the scene was eclipsed by an overmastering sense of spiritual gratitude. Through long years she had prayed for such an hour, and prayed against hope. Had it come at last, this hour of wisdom, this impartation of a higher light, this sudden softening and sweetening of a nature whose harsh earthiness had been to her a cause of unspeakable distress?
“O Archie,” she cried, “how glad I am to have you speak like that! Let the world go, Archie dear, before it lets you go. Let us go from this hateful life, you and I. If we could only be poor again, and live in some quiet place, we could be happy yet. You’ve never got any happiness yet out of all your money that I can see, and you never will. Can’t we start again, dear, and won’t you forgive Arthur, and have him back?”
She was on her knees beside him, her head bowed, or she would have seen the swift hardening of his face.
“Don’t be a fool!” he said harshly.
“Is it folly?” she cried.
“Yes, the silliest of folly. A man can’t turn back if he would, and I don’t really want to. He must go on to the end of things.”
“Ah! the end—what will that be, Archie?”
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