Chapter 22

Chord ambled back, very proud indeed, and still wearing his fatuous smile. He was bursting with a sense of social value, and to everybody he seemed to be saying, “Did you see me?” He was overjoyed to find me waiting for him. He needed a good listener at once. Otherwise he would surely fly to pieces.

“I have been talking to the Countess of Westport and her daughter, Lady Mary Strepp,” he said pompously. “The Countess tells that the Earl has been extremely indisposed during their late journey in the West.”

He spoke of the Earl’s illness with an air of great concern, as if the news had much upset him. He pretended that the day was quite over-gloomed for him. Dear, dear! I doubted if he would be able to eat any supper.

“Have a drop of something, old friend,” said I sympathetically. “You can’t really go on this way. ‘Twill ruin your nerves. I am surprised that the Countess did not break the news to you more gently. She was very inconsiderate, I am sure.”

“No, no, don’t blame the poor lady,” cried Chord. “She herself was quite distracted. The moment she saw me she ran to me—did you see her run to me?”

“I did that,” said I with emphasis.

“Aye, she ran to me,” said the little fool, “and says she, ‘Oh, my dear Doctor, I must tell you at once the condition of the Earl.’ And when I heard everything I was naturally cut up, as you remarked, being an old friend of the family, ahem!—yes, an old friend of the family.”

He rattled on with his nonsensical lies, and in the mean time I made up my mind to speak plainly to him, as I intended to make him of great service to me.

“Stop a moment,” said I good-naturedly. “I will hear no more of this rubbish from you, you impudent little impostor. You care no more for the Earl of Westport’s illness than you do for telling the truth, and I know how much you care for that. Listen to me, and I’ll see if I can’t knock some sense into your little addled head. In the first place the Earl of Westport and my father were old friends and companions-in-arms in the service of the French king, and I came over from Ireland especially to take a dying message and a token from my father to the Earl. That is all you need know about that; but I would have you leave off your prate of your friend the Earl of Westport, for I understand full well you couldn’t distinguish between him and a church door, although ‘tis scandalously little you know of church doors. So we will stop there on that point. Then I will go on to the next point. The next point is that I am going to marry Lady Mary Strepp.”

The little Doctor had been choking and stuttering in a great spasm, but my last point bid fair to flatten him out on the floor. I took the overpowered philosopher and led or carried him to another drink.

“Stap me!” he cried again and again. “The man is mad!”

I surveyed him with a bland smile.

“Let it sink into you,” said I soothingly. “Don’t snarl and wrangle at it. It is all heaven’s truth, and in time you will come to your senses and see what I am telling you.”

Well, as soon as he had fully recovered his wind, he fell upon me with thousands of questions; for one may see that he would have plenty of interest in the matter as soon as he was assured that there was much veracity involved in one way or another in my early statement. His questions I answered as it pleased me, but I made clear enough to him that, although Lady Mary was well disposed toward me, neither her father nor her mother would even so much as look at me if I applied for a position as under-footman, I was that low in their estimate.

“However,” said I, “I can rearrange all that very easily. And now, my bucko, here is where your fortune meets mine. You are fitted by nature more to attend other people’s affairs than to take a strict interest in your own. All kinds of meddling and interference come easily to you. Well, then, here is a chance to exercise your gifts inoffensively, and yet in a way which may make two people happy for life. I will tell you now that I don’t even know where is the Earl’s town house. There is where your importance appears at once. You must show me the house. That is the first thing. After that we will arrange all the details about ladders and garden walls, and, mayhap, carrier doves. As for your reward, it will appear finally in the shape of a bowing recognition by people of fashion, which is what you most desire in the world, you funny little man.”